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DEALING
WITH MESSY RELATIONSHIPS
The
cleaning industry is cleaning up. Because nobody enjoys a messy work
environment, over 3.5 million people work full-time cleaning clothes, homes,
and offices.
And they’re
not the only ones. As kids we were taught to clean our rooms and we make our
mothers happy if we continue to do so after we grow up. We make occasional trips
to the car wash when our car begins to look more like a mess than a Mazda. And when
we spill a drink, we immediately spring into action to clean up the spill.
Relationships
get messy too. We have a tendency to be self-centered, and when two people get
together, the clash of two self-focused individuals can make a mess. And when a
relationship is knocked over, the relationship is not only in jeopardy but it
dampens everything it touches like a spilled cup of coffee.
In
this study, Dealing with Messy Relationships, we will look at six traits God calls
us to exhibit, traits that can clean up and restore a messy relationship. Living
a life infused with these traits can even prevent a relationship from getting
messy in the first place.
Followers of Christ not only seek to surround themselves with people who will strengthen and encourage them, but they seek to do the same in other’s lives.
Let's start with the first trait of LOVE.
THE
BIBLE MEETS LIFE
In the
many years I’ve been their dad, never once have I heard one of my children scream:
“No, I want the crusty, stale, cardboard-like pieces!” Never. Kids want the fresh
stuff. And so do adults.
Relationships
are a little like those heels of bread. Over time, they tend to harden and become
stale. But marriages and friendships don’t have to follow this downward spiral.
Fortunately, the Bible gives us a surefire method to keep our connections with others
from going stale. If you’re a follower of Jesus Christ, you have the power to produce
incredible freshness in the lives of others. This method for growing great relationships
is foolproof, but not free. This deep connection is love.
Are
you disappointed in the way your relationships are turning out? Are you tired
of watching people walk out of your life? Do you long to go deeper with those around
you? If so, listen to the words of Jesus as He explained the dynamics of love.
WHAT
DOES THE BIBLE SAY?
John
15:9-10
9 “As
the Father has loved me, I have also loved you. Remain in my love. 10 If you
keep my commands you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s
commands and remain in his love.”
I woke
up one morning craving coffee so fiercely that I sprang from the mattress and sprinted
to the coffee maker. (Actually, I do this every day.) A steaming cup of coffee
in 30 seconds? Yes, please. As I stood there, waiting impatiently for something
hot and delicious to happen, I realized quickly that the machine had gone on
strike. The tiny screen on the coffee maker told me: YOUR TANK IS LOW. It needed
water. In short order, I poured it in so that something beautiful would pour
out.
Jesus
made it very clear in John 15 that there is an ocean-sized reservoir of love,
but it doesn’t begin with us. Love is found in God. We must drink from the deep
well of the heavenly Father’s supply if we ever hope to pour meaningfully into
the lives of others. Let me say it this way: the quality of your relationships
with others will always be tied to the quality of your relationship with God.
Question
2:
What
do we tend to expect from the people who love us?
Take
special note of the word “remain” in this passage. This is a key word in John 15.
To remain somewhere is to dwell there continually; a place where you remain is
a place where you are comfortable enough to make yourself at home. Jesus urged
His followers to keep their lives fresh by staying close, by making themselves
at home in His love. Jesus’ followers certainly might achieve the intimacy
Jesus described here through regular prayer and study of the Scriptures, but
this soul-deep intimacy with God comes through more than just a consistent
quiet time alone with Him. Faithful obedience to God’s Spirit and His Word is
the key.
Obedience
to God is the crucial factor in bearing fresh fruit in the lives of other
people. Notice how Jesus tied the knot tightly between love and obedience: “If
you keep my commands you will remain in my love” (v. 10). If you do what Jesus
tells you to do, then you will feel the full force of His affection! It’s not that
Jesus will love you more—you’re already completely loved by God—but you will
more deeply know and experience that love. Your commitment to the commands of
Jesus is the linchpin to producing life in those around you.
Remaining
in Jesus’ love is the key to all success, especially in relationships with others.
His followers must adopt His values and follow His voice. When we ignore the nudges
and promptings of the Holy Spirit and chart our own selfish course, we are disobedient,
we sabotage our personal success, and we sour the people around us. We must
stay close to the Lord.
John
15:11-12
11 “I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. 12 This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you.”
Living
in Christ should produce joy in the heart! Obeying Him is not a grim, teeth clenching
exercise. Quite the opposite! In verse 11, Jesus said, “I have told you these
things so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.” Is the joy of
Jesus inside you? If so, submission to Christ is not a road of misery, but a
road to freedom. When you discover your debts are paid and your sins have been
erased, you walk with a much lighter load.
Notice
in John 15:12 that once the love of Jesus is dwelling inside you, it can never
be bottled up. The love of Christ must flow in and out of you: “This is my
command: Love one another as I have loved you.” The gift of Christ’s love came
with this instruction: share it! We are commanded to love the people around us
in the same way Jesus has loved us. As recipients of a rich inheritance, we are
not to hoard grace; instead we are empowered and emboldened to give grace to
others.
Jesus didn’t leave the command to love nebulous or vague. He directed us to love people in the specific way He loved. How did Jesus show His love? He gave. He forgave. He pardoned. He was gracious, kind, merciful, sacrificial, and intentional. When you love people as Jesus does, you begin to break down their defenses. Even the crusty shell of cynicism can begin to crack and they open up their messy lives to you. The spark of relational fire is found in these unforeseen moments of love.
Jesus didn’t leave the command to love nebulous or vague. He directed us to love people in the specific way He loved. How did Jesus show His love? He gave. He forgave. He pardoned. He was gracious, kind, merciful, sacrificial, and intentional. When you love people as Jesus does, you begin to break down their defenses. Even the crusty shell of cynicism can begin to crack and they open up their messy lives to you. The spark of relational fire is found in these unforeseen moments of love.
Question
3:
How
does our relationship with God impact our relationships with others?
John
15:13-14
13 “No
one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. 14 You
are my friends if you do what I command you.”
Every
year on the afternoon of Mother’s Day, Charlie makes a dash for the nearest
convenience store in search of a last-minute card. With only three lame cards
left in the rack, he is forced to buy the cartoonish card that he has jammed awkwardly
inside the wrong-sized envelope. In spite of this, Charlie soothes his
conscience by thinking, Hey, at least I made an effort.
This
example raises a couple of relevant questions: What is the least amount of
energy required to pay the bill of love? How much does a person have to pay to
expect good relationships with others?
Jesus
set the price high, defining love by supreme sacrifice. The best way to build a
relationship is not by offering clearance cards that cost less than loose
change. Rather, the way to build a relationship is often through pain and
suffering. How much pain are you willing to endure for another person? This is
the yardstick that often measures your love for them.
Question
4:
How
have you experienced the joy of loving others as Christ loves you?
“No
one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (v. 13).
Little did the disciples know that, even as Jesus taught them how to love, this
would be lived out in their own lives. In the years that followed, those in
Jesus’ inner circle would sacrifice all for their Savior. For example, James,
the brother of John, was executed with a sword because of His commitment to
Jesus (Acts 12:2). Church history indicates that, with the exception of John
(and of course Judas Iscariot), Jesus’ apostles were martyred for their faith.
They were willing to die as a measure of their love for their leader. These men,
who once ran from the sword (Mark 14:46-50), now showed the supreme level of love
by laying down the earthly treasure of their own bodies. No higher form of love
has ever been known.
Take
inventory of the relationships in your life. Ask yourself the hard questions,
and be honest. How strong is your relationship with your spouse? with your
children? With your extended family? with your friends? Do any of these
relationships need work? If so, what would you be willing to pay for better relationships?
What sacrifices could you make to advance the lives of these people who are important
to you?
Let me
give you one small piece of advice. While it is sometimes wise to avoid
“sweating the small stuff,” this concept should not necessarily be carried out
in relationships. The little things do matter in your relationships. A
willingness to die for those we love often translates into the daily need to
stifle our own self-importance and study the lives of those around us. What
does this person need that I could supply? Could I write a note of
encouragement to lift his head? Could I provide a meal to fill a belly? Could I
offer her a day away from the kids so she can restore her peace of mind? Love
beckons us to pay a price—sometimes large, sometimes small—for the other
person.
Question
5:
What
are some practical ways our group can demonstrate sacrificial love to others?
ENGAGE
DEMONSTRATING
LOVE
Choose
one of the photos that illustrates the kind of love Jesus calls for.
Then
write a prayer asking God to help you love in this way.
My
Prayer
“You
can always give without loving, but
you
can never love without giving.”
AMY CARMICHAEL
LIVE
IT OUT
Here are three ideas to boost your level of love in the lives of others. Choose one of the following applications:
- Give a
small gift. Give an unexpected gift to someone who needs it. Attach
this simple note: “Thank you for playing an important role in my life.”
- Reach
out.
Think of a relationship that has become stale, or even hostile. Make a phone
call to see if you can revive or refresh that connection.
- Make a
major sacrifice. Think of something that hinders your closest
relationships—golf clubs, salon appointments, cable TV, a car payment, and so
on. Then get rid of it!
Like
the heels of the loaf of bread, our relationships can become stale, hard, and
flat. Love requires continual refreshment to remain healthy.
Be thinking about this song - this week!
Hope to see everyone online this Sunday!
In His Love,
David & Susan
Teacher Notes:
Be thinking about this song - this week!
This Kind of Love
Click Play to Hear
Hope to see everyone online this Sunday!
In His Love,
David & Susan
Teacher Notes:
Being
single, married, having children, or being divorced is the most difficult thing
you will ever do – because it involves me and it involves you and relationships
get messy. Why? Because we all have a tendency to be self-centered, and when
two people get together, the clash of two self-focused individuals can
make a mess.
In
this study, Dealing with Messy Relationships, we will look at six traits God
calls us to exhibit, traits that can clean up and restore a messy
relationship. Living a life infused with these traits can even prevent a
relationship from getting messy in the first place.
Love /
Encourage / Forgive / Serve / Yield / Accept
This
Kind of Love
Ravi
Zacharias tells of a time when he was a seminary student, and one of his
professors was lecturing on the subject of love. The professor stated, “Love is
hard work.”
Zacharias
took exception to that comment. After all, God gives us the ability to love,
and love is a fruit of the Spirit. How could his professor say love is hard
work? The professor let him explain the reasons for his objections, and then he
asked, “Zacharias, are you married?” Zacharias said he was not, and the
professor relied, “Then sit down and shut up. You don’t know what you’re
talking about!”
Ravi
Zacharias added that he did get married a year later, and he soon learned a
brutal truth: love is indeed hard work!
Love
is never easy. It’s not easy in marriage, and it’s not easy in the local
church. Even church members are only human. They have faults, and sometimes
they rub each other the wrong way. The question is not whether we’ll have
clashes; the question is, will we love each other in spite of the clashes? How
do we cultivate that kind of love? Where does that kind of love come from?
Turn
with me to John 15:
John 15:9-10
9 “As
the Father has loved me, I have also loved you. Remain
in my love. 10 If you keep my commands you will remain in
my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain
in his love.”
What
do we tend to expect from the people who love us?
· That
they stay close - remain
Take
special note of the word “remain” in this passage. This is a key word in
John 15.
What
do you think it really means to remain in the love of Christ?
Remaining
in Jesus’ love is the key to all success, especially in relationships with
others. When we ignore the nudges and promptings of the Holy Spirit and chart
our own selfish course, we are disobedient, we sabotage our personal success,
and we sour the people around us.
To
remain somewhere is to dwell there continually; a place where you remain is a
place where you are comfortable enough to make yourself at home. Jesus urged
His followers to keep their lives fresh by staying close, by making themselves
at home in His love. Jesus’ followers certainly might achieve the intimacy
Jesus described here through regular prayer and study of the Scriptures, but this
soul-deep intimacy with God comes through more than just a consistent quiet
time alone with Him. Faithful obedience to God’s Spirit and His Word is the
key.
“If
you keep my commands you will remain in my love” (v. 10).
Remaining
in Christ means:
· Believing
that He is God’s Son
· Receiving
Him as Savior and Lord
· Doing
what God says
· Continuing
to believe the gospel
· Relating
in love to the community of believers, Christ’s body
Remaining
in Christ is introduced in verses 1-4 of chapter 15: “I am the true vine,
and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no
fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be
even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to
you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by
itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you
remain in me.” There are two kinds of pruning: (1) separating and (2)
cutting back branches. Fruitful branches are cut back to promote growth. In
other words, God must sometimes discipline us to strengthen our character and
faith. But branches that don’t bear fruit are cut off at the trunk because not
only are they worthless, they often infect the rest of the tree. People who
won’t bear fruit for God or who try to block the efforts of God’s followers
will be cut off from His life-giving power. Fruit is not limited to soulwinning
– love is also a fruit.
How
did Jesus connect love and obedience? What gives evidence that a person is
abiding in the love of Christ?
1. Love
for others is to be grounded in God’s love.
· Love
is from God, who is love.
· The
Son extends the Father’s love to those who follow Him.
· Followers
of Christ dwell in God’s love manifested in Christ.
· Those
who obey the word of Christ give evidence that they are dwelling in God’s love.
John
15:11-12
11 “I
have told you these things so that my joy may be
in you and your joy may be complete. 12 This is my command: Love one another as
I have loved you.”
How
does our relationship with God impact our relationships with others?
· Our
lesson talked about people that claimed to be Christian but have no joy in
their life. Have you ever met a man who claimed to be a Christian but forgot to
inform his face?
· Living
in Christ should produce joy in the heart! Obeying Him is not a grim, teeth
clenching exercise. Quite the opposite! In verse 11, Jesus said…
Is the
joy of Jesus inside you?
What
does it look like to love others in the same way Jesus has loved us?
Jesus
directed us to love people in the specific way He loved. How did Jesus show His
love?
· He
gave.
· He
forgave.
· He
pardoned.
· He was
gracious, kind, merciful, sacrificial, and intentional.
2. Love
for others is to imitate Jesus’ love for us.
· Our
obedience to Christ joins us to Him and His relationship with the Father.
· Jesus
intends for His followers to live lives marked by joy.
· Joy
comes by obeying the Word.
· Love
for one another is a command of the Lord to His followers, not an option to be
practiced when convenient.
John
15:13-14
13 “No
one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. 14 You
are my friends if you do what I command you.”
It’s unlikely
that we will be called upon to give our physical lives for others, how can we
practically live out the instruction of verse 13?
3. Love
for others means sacrifice.
· The
greatest display of love is sacrificial love.
· True
sacrificial love is costly, even to the point of giving our lives.
· What a
friend we have in Jesus!
· Our
friendship with Him is seen in our obedience to Him.
We are
to love each other as Jesus loved us, and He loved us enough to give His life
for us. We may not have to die for someone, but there are other ways to
practice sacrificial love: listening, helping,
encouraging, giving. Think of someone who needs this kind of love today.
Give all the love you can, and then try to give a little more.
Take
inventory of the relationships in your life. Ask yourself the hard questions,
and be honest. How strong is your relationship with your spouse? with your
children? With your extended family? with your friends? Do any of these relationships
need work? If so, what would you be willing to pay for better relationships?
What sacrifices could you make to advance the lives of these people who are important
to you?
We
tend to think of love as an emotion. Jesus expressed it as a command.
What
does it mean to abide in Christ?
To
“abide” is to live, continue, or remain; so, to abide in Christ is to live in
Him or remain in Him. When a person is saved, he or she is described as being
“in Christ” (Romans 8:1; 2 Corinthians 5:17), held secure in a permanent
relationship (John 10:28–29). Therefore, abiding in Christ is not a special
level of Christian experience, available only to a few; rather, it is the
position of all true believers. The difference between those abiding in Christ
and those not abiding in Christ is the difference between the saved and the
unsaved.
Abiding
in Christ is taught in 1 John 2:5–6, where it is synonymous with “knowing”
Christ (verses 2 and 3). Later in the same chapter, John equates “remaining” in
the Father and the Son with having the promise of eternal life (verses 24 and
25). Biblically, “abiding in,” “remaining in,” and “knowing” Christ are
references to the same thing: salvation.
The
phrase abiding in Christ pictures an intimate, close relationship, and not just
a superficial acquaintance. In John 15:4–7, Jesus tells His disciples that
drawing life from Him is essential, using the picture of branches united to a
vine: “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself
unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am
the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much
fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he
is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them
into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in
you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” Without that vital
union with Christ that salvation provides, there can be no life and no
productivity. Elsewhere, the Bible likens our relationship with Christ to that
of a body with a head (Colossians 1:18)—another essential union.
Some
people take the warning of John 15:6 (branches that do not abide in the vine
are thrown away and burned) to mean that Christians are always in danger of
losing their salvation. In other words, they say it’s possible to be saved but
not “abide,” in which case we would be cast away. But this could only be true
if “abiding” were separate from salvation, referring to a state of intimacy
with Christ we must strive to attain post-salvation. The Bible is clear that
salvation comes by grace and is maintained by grace (Galatians 3:2–3). Also, if
a branch could somehow fall away from the vine, resulting in the loss of
salvation, then other, very clear passages of Scripture would be contradicted
(see John 10:27–30).
It is
best to interpret the True Vine metaphor this way: Jesus is the True Vine,
obviously. The branches who “abide” in Him are the truly saved—they have a real
and vital connection to the Savior. The withered branches who do not “abide” in
Him are the unsaved pretenders who feigned an attachment to the Vine but drew
no life from Him. In the end, the pretenders will be seen for what they were:
hangers-on who had no authentic attachment to Jesus. For a while, both Peter
and Judas seemed identical in their walk with Christ. But Peter was attached to
the Vine; Judas was not.
John
restates the withered-branch principle this way: “They [people now opposed to
Christ] went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had
belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that
none of them belonged to us” (1 John 2:19).
One of
the proofs of salvation is perseverance, or sustained abiding in Christ. The
saved will continue in their walk with Christ (see Revelation 2:26). That is,
they will “abide” or remain in Him. God will complete His work in them
(Philippians 1:6), and they will bring forth much fruit to the glory of God
(John 15:5). Those who fall away, turn their backs on Christ, or fail to abide
simply show their lack of saving faith. Abiding is not what saves us, but it is
one of the signs of salvation. Proofs of abiding in Christ (i.e., proofs that
one is truly saved and not just pretending) include obedience to Christ’s
commands (John 15:10; 1 John 3:24); following Jesus’ example (1 John 2:6);
living free from habitual sin (1 John 3:6); and the awareness of a divine presence
within one’s life (1 John 4:13).
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