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Faith on Display in Your Conversations
Question 1:
Who always leaves you encouraged when you talk with them?
THE POINT
When you rely on God, your words reflect His character.
THE BIBLE MEETS LIFE
It’s estimated that people spend fifty-two minutes a day talking about someone who’s not present. In other words, people spend an hour a day gossiping. Of those talks: 10 percent are flattering, 75 percent are neutral, and 15 percent are negative.1
Most of the time people don’t hear what’s being said about them. But what if they did?
Ramona told of a situation her friend Michelle described to her. After a business lunch, Michelle and another woman went to the restroom to refresh their makeup. As they chatted, their small talk turned to gossip about a coworker, Beth. Their conversation didn’t fall into the 10 percent of flattering gossip; it was definitely negative. For a full two minutes, Michelle lambasted her coworker for the misery she caused their team. Then, in a moment of silence, the ladies heard the familiar sound of a stall door opening. Glancing into the mirror, they watched in horror as Beth walked out, embarrassed, and red-faced. Michelle was sure there were tears.
Beth never came back to work. She resigned, and Michelle never saw Beth again.2
WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?
James 3:1-5a
1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. 3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts.
In our last session, we saw that our actions which prove our faith are more important than mere words. We don’t just say we have faith; we show it by our actions. James was not implying that our words are unimportant. On the contrary, words are important—very important. As we move into James 3, we see just how important and powerful they are.
Words are so common and so easy to speak that we easily can lose the importance of a single word in the sheer volume of words spoken or heard in a single day. Researchers found that average people speak about 16,000 words in a day. The less chatty person, which was a man, spoke only 700 words, but the most talkative—which also turned out to be men—can come out with 47,000 words a day!3 How important can a single word be?
- Ask the father who just heard his daughter say “I do” on her wedding day.
- Ask the mother who anxiously waits for her autistic child’s first word.
Words matter. They can destroy or give hope. Our words have the power to instruct, encourage, and motivate. A teacher’s words make a difference in her students’ lives. The words she speaks are so important that the act of teaching invites a stricter judgment.
Question 2:
When have you seen the power of words impact someone in positive ways?
James used the examples of horses and ships to illustrate how we can control those things using instruments that are exponentially smaller than they are. Typically, a person’s tongue is slightly over three inches long, weighs just over two ounces, and is all muscle; however, its power—for good or bad—is disproportionate to its small size. That small muscle has great power—“it makes great boasts.”
The small size of the tongue doesn’t keep it from doing great damage. Words can destroy others just as a small spark can start a wildfire that destroys a large forest. James even declared, “the tongue also is a fire,” and it “sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell” (v. 6). Other biblical writers used other powerful words to describe the tongue: “as sharp as a serpent’s” (Ps. 140:3), “open graves,” and “the poison of vipers” (Rom. 3:13). We’ve surely all experienced the harsh effects of a tongue and have been on the receiving end of cutting criticism, destructive gossip, or demoralizing sarcasm. We’ve also seen the effects of lying, slander, and a careless word. Clearly, words are powerful and can destroy relationships and people’s reputations.
James 3:9-10
9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
“No human being can tame the tongue” (Jas. 3:8), which we can use for good or evil. James showed just how impossible it is to tame the tongue by pointing out how inconsistent we are with our words. We use the same tongue to bless God yet curse the people He created in His image.
James’s teaching may sound beyond hope to some. So, what do we do? Do we simply give up and give in to every temptation to lie, sow discord, curse, or gossip about others? Of course not, and that was exactly James’s point. “My brothers and sisters, this should not be” (v. 10).
Because we are always tempted to do evil with our tongues, we must be on our guard and constantly submit this temptation unto the Lord. Relying only on our own self-control is not the answer. The only way we can use our tongue consistently for God’s good purposes is to submit to God’s control in our lives. In verses 11-12, James pointed to nature. A spring with a good water source doesn’t give both good water and bitter water. You’ll never find olives growing on a fig tree. Neither does “a grapevine bear figs” (v. 12). Again, the source determines the fruit.
Engage
TO TAME THE TONGUE
Verses 1–5 emphasize the truth that our words have power.
In the space below, create a picture or illustration that expresses the idea of power under control for you.
Then offer a prayer asking for God’s help in taming your tongue.
My Prayer:
_________________________________
Words that inspire and bring hope come from the mouth of a wise, God-controlled person. However, if God does not control us—if we do not submit to His lordship—we will gossip like everyone else. One of the reasons we’re tempted to gossip is because tearing others down can make us feel better about ourselves. This “moral rationalization” produces a “feeling of glee to learn that someone else is worse than we are.”4 It doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to indulge in this destructive behavior, not if our relationship with God is the source of identity. If He is directing our tongue, we won’t use it to destroy others.
Think about the things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, and praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). Yes, that might create an awkward silence for a moment, but feeling awkward for a few seconds is far better than spending hours shifting through relationship rubble created by our destructive words. Beyond thinking, we should pause for a moment and pray. Submit to His control. Whether we need to get a grip over negative gossip or succeed in stopping hurtful sarcasm, we will be wise people who gain victory when we give control of our tongues to the Lord.
Question 3:
When have you seen the power of words cause harm to someone?
James 3:13-18
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
Question 4:
What effect has technology had on the way we use our words?
Earlier in the letter James promised that God will give wisdom to those who ask in faith (1:5-6). He now returned to the theme to show how wisdom can benefit us. Coming off verses 1-12, we’ll see how that godly wisdom impacts our words and conduct. Merely doing or saying the right thing is not enough. When we are guided by God’s wisdom, our right actions and words are undergirded by the proper attitude and motivation.
We need God’s wisdom in the battle to control our untamed tongue. When we are tempted to let our tongue wreak havoc in our relationships, we must pause, think, and pray, seeking God’s wisdom. We can’t let conventional wisdom—what James called “bitter envy and selfish ambition” (v. 14)—guide us.
James didn’t use the phrase “conventional wisdom,” but he described it using three concepts: “earthly, unspiritual, demonic.”
If we allow “earthly, unspiritual, demonic” wisdom to guide our thoughts, we will act and speak from a bitter, selfish heart. From this worldly wisdom, we’ll do whatever it takes to get ahead, even if that means we need to destroy other people’s character through gossip or demeaning them and crushing their spirits with bitter sarcasm.
By contrast, God’s wisdom is characterized by actions, words, and attitudes that are: pure, peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, displaying kindness and goodness, unwavering, without pretense, genuine and sincere. God’s wisdom empowers speech and conduct that honor Him.
Question 5:
How can our group help one another honor God with our communication?
LIVE IT OUT
God’s wisdom is available to help you gain control of your speech. Choose one of the following applications:
Memorize Philippians 4:8. Memorize Philippians 4:8 so that you can recall it when you are tempted to gossip or make sarcastic remarks. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Keep a gratitude journal. A study from the University of Central Florida found that keeping a gratitude journal for two weeks decreased gossip in the workplace.5 Begin a journal and spend a few minutes each day writing about people you are grateful for.
Apologize to someone you know you have hurt through gossip or sarcasm. Do what you can with a letter, phone call, or face-to-face meeting to seek forgiveness for words you have spoken.
We all say things we regret. Often it takes years to recover from the damage our words cause. Let’s ask God to help us control our tongues beforehand rather than dealing with the fall-out afterward!
Teacher's Notes:
Today we look at our faith on display in our Conversations
It’s estimated that people spend an hour a day
talking about someone who’s not present. Of those talks: 10 percent are
flattering, 75 percent are neutral, and 15 percent are negative.
This is called gossiping.
Why do people gossip?
____________________________
No doubt we’ve all experienced the hurts and
wounds that come from someone’s words. Too many marriages, friendships, and
business opportunities have been ruined by poorly chosen words. We may try to
cover up the wound made by our words by saying, “I didn’t mean that.” As well
intended as that may be, those words don’t always soften what we said.
THE POINT:
When you rely on God, your words reflect His
character.
In our last lesson, we saw that James said that
our actions prove our faith and are at times, more important than what we say.
We don’t just say we have faith; we show it by our actions. Now, James was not
implying that our words are unimportant. On the contrary, words are important —
they are very important.
In James 3, we see just how important and
powerful they are.
James 3:1-5a
Not many of you should become teachers, my
fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more
strictly. We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what
they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits
into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.
Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by
strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants
to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great
boasts.
James begins by addressing the strict
accountability of those who would be teachers.
Why do you think teachers are subject to a
stricter
accountability before the Lord?
Teaching was a highly valued and respected profession in Jewish culture, and
many Jews who embraced Christianity wanted to become teachers. James warned
that although it is good to aspire to teach, the teachers’ responsibility is
great because their words and example affect others’ spiritual lives.
What people say can be for good, but primarily
in these verses James focused on the destructive power of speech. Because words
can destroy, believers need to learn to control their tongues.
How does one tame the tongue?
How important can a single word be?
- Ask the father who just heard his daughter say
“I do” on her wedding day.
- Ask the mother who anxiously waits for her
autistic child’s first word.
Words matter. They can destroy or give hope.
Our words have the power to instruct, encourage, and motivate. A teacher’s
words make a difference in her students’ lives. The words she speaks are so
important that the act of teaching invites a stricter judgment.
I.
There is power
in our words.
When have you been hurt by something somebody
said?
When have you been the one that said something
hurtful?
Jesus taught His disciples that what comes out
of a man’s mouth comes from a man’s heart — and those are the things which
defile that man.
(Matt. 15:16-20)
Our speech can control and influence what we do
and what we experience in life. Uncontrolled, our words can wreak havoc and
bring hurt and destruction. What you say and what you don’t say are both
important. Proper speech is not only saying the right words at the right time,
but it is also controlling your desire to say what you shouldn’t. Examples
include gossiping, putting others down, bragging, manipulating, false teaching,
exaggerating, complaining, flattering, and lying.
Before we speak, we should ask ourselves, “Is
what I want to say true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”
James 3:9-10
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father,
and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of
the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should
not be.
Our contradictory speech often puzzles us. At
times our words are right and pleasing to God, but at other times they are
violent and destructive.
Which of these speech patterns reflects our
true identity?
The tongue gives us a picture of our basic
human nature. We were made in God’s image, but we have also fallen into sin.
How do we control this?
II.
Beware of Inconsistent words.
The tongue gives us a picture of our basic
human nature. We were made in God’s image, but we have also fallen into sin.
How do we control this?
Read: God works to change us from the inside
out. When the Holy Spirit purifies a heart, He gives self-control so that the
person will speak words that please God.
Because we are always tempted to do evil with
our tongues, we must be on our guard and constantly submit this temptation unto
the Lord. Relying only on our own self-control is not the answer. The only way
we can use our tongue consistently for God’s good purposes is to submit to
God’s control in our lives.
Be consistent in the use of your tongue, for
you cannot bless God and curse people made in His image. The words of our
mouths either will support or negate the reality of our Christian testimony.
James 3:13-18
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let
them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from
wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do
not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from
heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and
selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the
wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving,
considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
The ability to tame the tongue is supported by
relying on heavenly wisdom rather than earthly wisdom.
What’s the difference between heavenly wisdom
and earthly wisdom?
Earthly wisdom is turned inward. Heavenly
wisdom is the way to peace, righteousness, and respect for others. Heavenly
wisdom reflects the character of God.
Have you ever known anyone who claimed to be
wise but acted foolishly?
III.
Seek and choose Wise words.
True wisdom can be measured by the depth of a
person’s character. Just as you can identify a tree by the type of fruit it
produces, you can evaluate your wisdom by the way you act. Foolishness leads to
disorder, but wisdom leads to peace and goodness.
Are you tempted to escalate the conflict, pass
on the gossip, or fan the fire of discord? Careful, winsome speech and wise,
loving words are the seeds of peace. God loves peacemakers – Matthew 5:9.
“Bitter envy and selfish ambition” are inspired
by the devil. It is easy for us to be drawn into wrong desires by the pressures
of society and sometimes even by well-meaning Christians. By listening to the
advice: “Assert yourself,” “Go for it,” “Set high goals,” we can be drawn into
greed and destructive competitiveness. Seeking God’s wisdom delivers us from
the need to compare ourselves to others and to want what they have.
Conclusion: I’ve heard it said that we ought not say something to or
about someone unless it meets three criteria: it must be true, it must be
necessary, and it must be kind. Ask the Lord to help you not to say something
about someone unless it is true, necessary, and kind—all at the same time.
What can we do?
Memorize Philippians 4:8. Memorize Philippians
4:8 so that you can recall it when you are tempted to gossip or make sarcastic
remarks. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”
