5. The Pitfall of Bitterness
Question 1:
What item on the dinner table did you dread as a kid?
THE BIBLE MEETS LIFE
As kids, we could look at certain foods and be convinced it would taste bad. And some foods can surprise us. Take, for example, an apple. Nothing tastes better than biting into a pretty red apple—and nothing tastes worse than discovering that apple is quite bitter! You don’t want someone snapping your picture at that moment because such bitterness causes us to wince and scowl.
The face of bitterness is not attractive, yet many people wear that face today. Their bitter expressions are not because of unpleasant food, but because of painful moments in their past. We can wash away the bitter taste of bad food, but the bitterness that comes from the betrayal of others or our own bad decisions can rob us of our joy and prevent us from moving forward with God and others.
Joseph displayed a different face. Joseph provides a compelling pattern for us to follow, as he refused to be bitter. He chose to forgive and let his brothers “off the hook” for what they did to him. We, too, can choose to be bitter or better.
THE POINT
Relationships can only move forward
with forgiveness.
WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?
Genesis 45:1-3
1 Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. 2 And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it. 3 Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.
We all have moments when our emotions overwhelm us. It can happen at the most unexpected times. A song comes on the radio and sparks a memory from our childhood. Tears begin to stream. Emotions are part of God’s gift to human beings. Healthy people pay attention to their emotions and share their feelings with God and loved ones.
Question 2:
What are some unhealthy ways
people deal with their pain?
Joseph experienced such a wave of emotion. He had been “toying” with his brothers since their first visit to Egypt, but the culmination of the events finally caused him to lose his composure. As Judah pleaded for Benjamin, his brothers’ love and compassion for both Benjamin and their father touched Joseph deeply (Gen. 44:18-34). “Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants.” It was time to “come clean” and to share what was going on in his heart, so he ordered his staff to leave the room.
Joseph certainly had faith in God, but up to this point, he still may have struggled with bitterness at the injustice of all that happened to him. His brothers’ disloyalty and cruelty surely must have come to his mind frequently over the past thirteen years, but seeing and hearing their changed behavior was emotionally overwhelming. He was so overcome with emotion that he wept loudly, and with those tears, he was moved to respond.
An overpowering wave of fear plowed into Joseph’s brothers, however, as this powerful man revealed his true identity. We should not be surprised that Joseph’s brothers were still “terrified at his presence.” Moments before he had been a harsh ruler; now he suddenly spoke with warmth and tenderness. Moments before they were strangers and outsiders; now he suddenly called them brothers.
The brothers’ dismay also no doubt was a fear of being punished. Joseph had always displayed his power and authority in their presence, but now that they knew he was also their brother, they surely feared he would use that power to get revenge for all they had done to him. The fact that Joseph’s brothers were trembling in fear reveals that their hearts were not right with God. They had been lugging their guilt around for years, like heavy weights chained to their ankles.
It was not yet clear to the brothers that Joseph’s tears were reflecting his joy and not bitterness. As we continue with Joseph’s story, we clearly see his love, concern, and forgiveness toward his brothers, but at that moment the brothers were likely too shocked to sense Joseph’s love. Joseph did not hide the past or act like it never happened, but neither did he hold the past over his brothers’ heads. He chose to move on from the past.
Genesis 45:4-5
4 Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! 5 And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.”
Joseph decided to put his brothers’ sins behind him, and in doing so, he revealed the heart of our heavenly Father. He chose to forgive his brothers for their cruelty. Notice the affection he showed as he saw them standing in the room: “Come close to me.” Any hard feelings were now being removed by the power of grace. No silent treatment. No anger. No fantasies of revenge. Joseph was ready to fully forgive his brothers.
This ancient moment between Joseph and his brothers should stir our modern hearts to forgive. We all need to be forgiven, accepted, and loved. We long to receive forgiveness and yet we struggle to give it. Every Sunday, Christians celebrate the bridge of forgiveness built by Jesus Christ. It’s central to our faith. Christ was crucified for our sins; He was slain for our freedom. He laid down His life and built the bridge from condemnation to salvation. Every weekend, thousands of people walk into our churches to sing to God and thank Him for that beautiful bridge we can now cross.
Joseph built that bridge to his brothers, and we can do the same with people in our lives who have hurt us in some way. Grace is the only way to live in close relationship with others. Moments later, Joseph expressed that grace to his brothers. “Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them. Afterward his brothers talked with him” (Gen. 45:14-15). His outward affection was a sign of his inward decision to forgive.
Even as he forgave, Joseph called on his brothers to forgive themselves. “And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here.” In our humanity, we may want the one who hurt us to feel remorse over what they did. Forgiveness does not require that. We might wait for years for an apology before deciding to forgive. This is unbiblical and unhealthy. We forgive because it is the right thing to do, regardless of their response.
Joseph saw the big picture, which is why he didn’t want the brothers to be hard on themselves. Joseph wasn’t excusing their behavior, but he saw that God was still working to redeem a bad situation for His glory. God can use even the pain that happens to us. And how can we be unforgiving when God has forgiven us of so much more?
Question 3:
What causes us to hold on to
grudges and withhold our forgiveness?
Genesis 45:9-11
9 “Now hurry back to my father and say to him, ‘This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don’t delay. 10 You shall live in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have. 11 I will provide for you there, because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your household and all who belong to you will become destitute.’”
Question 4:
How was Joseph able to forgive
his brothers in spite of his pain?
As God’s people, we are blessed to be a blessing. Sharing our lives and our gifts with others is central to who we are as Christ-followers. Following Jesus means we serve God as we serve others.
In Genesis 45:7, Joseph described the purpose of his great promotion in Egypt: “But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.” Joseph was exalted by God, for the purpose of serving others.
Because Joseph had seen the prolonged famine before them, he commanded his brothers to go home and return quickly with their father, their families, and all their belongings. He followed up his forgiveness by seeking what would be best for them. With their brother Joseph’s promise of provision, the group headed home with joy and hope. Not only had Joseph forgiven the past, but he would now care for them in the future.
Perhaps it would be wise to stop and consider how we may have undervalued the future joy of following Jesus. Our tendency is to focus on forgiveness of the past. It’s not hard to grasp why! Guilt is heavy; we all feel it. However, the release from the past is only half of the equation. To live in Christ means to live without fear of the future. He will take care of us as we keep our eyes on Him.
Joseph assured his brothers they had nothing to fear in the future. He would sustain them, provide for them, and love them. Because Joseph had the means, his entire family could live without worry or fear.
We have nothing to fear in the future when our trust is in Christ. Praise God that we live under His banner of love.
Question 5:
What are some rewards
that result from forgiveness?
RECONCILING OUR RELATIONSHIPS
On the reconciliation flow chart below, mark the step(s) you have completed.
Circle the next step toward reconciliation. Commit to praying throughout the week about moving forward with reconciling this relationship.
Identify a broken relationship in your life. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
My Prayer:
_____________________________________
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
EPHESIANS 4:32
LIVE IT OUT
Relationships can only move forward with forgiveness. Choose one of the following applications:
- Be mindful. In the next few days, be mindful in moments when you feel wronged. Go immediately to God and seek grace to wipe away your hurt.
- Talk it out. Be aware when you resort to stonewalling or choosing the silent treatment. Though these forms of inner rage are subtle, they’re not less damaging. Talk with others about your feelings and avoid the temptation to hold it all in.
- Help others. Spend some time listening for the relational pain of others. Plan a coffee time with someone who’s hurting and walk alongside them. You might offer to help mediate or simply share some helpful biblical principles from the life of Joseph.
Most of us are aware of the yucky foods that bring a scowl to our faces. We have a harder time recognizing the deep hurts in our hearts that make life difficult going forward. Joseph teaches us the power of forgiving and forgetting sins. Let’s follow his example!
Teacher Notes:
Would
you say you’re good at forgiving others?
We
Americans love the British. We’re enamored with the royal family. We love
Downton Abbey. The British gave us the Beatles. And we think that British
accent is classy.
America
has no greater ally than Britain. OK, so there was the Revolutionary War and
the War of 1812, but after that, we’ve been the best of buds. Right?
Not so
fast. For most of our history as a country, we’ve been at odds with Great
Britain. For most of our history! So, what changed? It wasn’t until after 1895
that the American and British governments softened toward each other, but there
was one event that played a key role in the changing relationship between the
two countries.
Britain
lost a ship. We found it. We gave it back. That’s it, but it changed things.
In the
1850s, Britain was trying to find a route to the Pacific Ocean by going north
instead of south. The expedition to find the northwest passage was led by Sir
John Franklin, but their fate became unknown. The HMS Resolute was one of
several ships sent out to find the wayward expedition. In 1853, the Resolute got trapped in ice. A
cold front came through and the ship was encased in ice. Months later, the ship
was still stuck, so the entire crew left the ship, marched across the ice, and
eventually headed for home.
Two
years later, in 1855, an American ship found the HMS Resolute floating free of
ice and free of any crew. They brought the abandoned ship back to the American
shore. Maritime law said that any property abandoned on the open seas became
the property of the finders.
The US
and Britain were not exactly exchanging Christmas cards at this point, but the
US made the first gesture. Our country willingly chose to restore the damaged
ship and return it to England. Congress voted to do this as a “national
courtesy.”
In
1856, England got their ship back, and when the HMS Resolute was retired in
1879, Britain made the next gesture. A desk was constructed out of the ship’s
timber, and the Resolute desk was presented to President Rutherford B. Hayes in
1880. Almost every president since that time has used the desk.
And
with that, a few bricks in the wall of international relations began to fall.
When two individuals or groups don’t get along, sometimes the simplest gesture can make all the difference. We’ve certainly seen how the smallest act—even if it’s unintentional—can be misunderstood or lead to an escalation in bad feelings. Just the opposite is true: the smallest gesture of kindness can do wonders.
The
betrayal and bad decisions of others have potential to disrupt our lives, alter
our plans, and create breaches in our relationships. Our bitterness over what
has happened can consume us. We have another option. We can let go … and
forgive. Forgiveness can be very difficult, for our tendency is to allow the
memory of severe hurt push us back into bitterness. However, we can move beyond
such a destructive attitude. The Bible story of Joseph provides us with an
example of how to overcome bitterness and live in the spirit of forgiveness.
Genesis
45:1-3
1 Then
Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried
out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he
made himself known to his brothers. 2 And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians
heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it. 3 Joseph said to his
brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not
able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.
What
are some unhealthy ways people deal with their pain of bitterness?
What
are some ways Joseph could have responded to his brothers?
What
can we learn about Joseph in these verses?
Do you
find it easy or difficult to express deep emotions? Explain.
1. Embrace
your pain.
- The
release of our emotions can help us deal with the pain of our past, as long as
that release is not destructive or vengeful.
- Our
desire to restore broken relationships ought to be a priority, not something we
squash because of personal pride or a need to retain appearances.
Genesis
45:4-5
4 Then
Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he
said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! 5 And now, do not
be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because
it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.”
What
causes us to hold on to grudges and withhold our forgiveness?
How
does the gospel influence our offering of forgiveness to others who hurt us?
What
can Joseph’s example teach us about forgiveness?
2. Forgive.
- Forgiveness
does not mean the past has been, or even should be, forgotten, for recalling
our past failures can help us avoid repeating them.
- However,
forgiveness does mean that we will not allow the past to control us.
- Our
sovereign God is able to take our mistakes and failures, and those of others as
well, and fit them into His larger plan.
Genesis
45:9-11
9 “Now
hurry back to my father and say to him, ‘This is what your son Joseph says: God
has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don’t delay. 10 You shall live
in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren,
your flocks and herds, and all you have. 11 I will provide for you there,
because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your
household and all who belong to you will become destitute.’”
How
was Joseph able to forgive his brothers in spite of his pain?
What
demonstrates we’ve really forgiven someone?
Archbishop
Desmond Tutu died on December 26, 2021. Tutu is famous for his work to end
apartheid, the policy of racial segregation, in South Africa. Tutu was a
powerful proponent of forgiveness, believing that people and communities could
be transformed where forgiveness was practiced. When apartheid ended in the
early 1990s, South Africa established the Truth and Reconciliation Commission,
and Tutu was named to chair the commission. Talking about forgiveness, Tutu one
time said, “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering –
remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a
new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially
if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
Desmond Tutu called forgiveness “a second chance for a new beginning.”
What
are some rewards that result from forgiveness?
3. Restore
broken relationships.
- Forgiveness,
whether given or received, is more than words but includes actions that
demonstrate the authenticity of the words.
- Forgiveness
should lead us to focus on the present and the potential for a better future.
Conclusion:
The truth was now out in the open. Joseph had decided how he would deal with that truth and his past. He could have used the truth as a weapon and chosen the path of vengeance and bitterness. We might even claim that such a response would have been fully justifiable. The brothers deserved no mercy. For them to endure a taste of what Joseph had known would be fair. Admirably, Joseph rejected such an approach. He saw how God had been at work in the past. He looked around at where he was: he was seated on a chair of authority as a ruler of Egypt. What did he really have to be bitter about? No, he would forgive and move forward. As Christians, we are recipients of this kind of mercy. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
When
we are wronged, we are faced with similar choices: bitterness or forgiveness?
What’s fair or what’s best? Do we choose to live in the past or claim the
future in the present? Will we allow evil to be the winner or see God as being
the ultimate victor because He is in control? Joseph’s example is best, right,
and godly.
Recall
a time when you were wronged. What are your present feelings about that time?
Does it still control you or have you claimed the freedom of forgiveness?
I’ll
forgive him if he comes to me.
Let me
state this with all the dignity I can muster. GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE. I don’t care who started it or who’s at fault. You be the first
one to make a move and correct things.
Joseph
had every right to be bitter and unforgiving toward his brothers. He’d been
separated from his father. He had been enslaved, then imprisoned. When you come
to Genesis 45, he was in an incredible position to let his brothers feel the
full brunt of his unforgiveness—but he did just the opposite. He embraced them
and welcomed them. He forgave.
Unforgiveness
is the great scourge of God’s church. We keep our distance from each other
because of some past hurt or slight. New churches pop up, not because of a
desire to reach more people, but because infighting and unforgiveness reigns
over a church until it finally splits. A new church is formed, not for the
Great Commission, but born out of bitterness and unforgiveness.
All
that will change if someone would just take the first step. Saying you forgive
is one thing, but an act of love and service toward the other person does
something incredible. It heals. It restores. It glorifies God.
Anything
less than that is unbiblical and wrong.
“Let
all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you,
along with all malice. 32 And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving
one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ” (Eph. 4:31-32).
“…
bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance
against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive”
(Col. 3:13).
What are
you waiting for? Make the first move. Make things right.
