Class Lesson February 7, 2016

RESOLVING CONFLICT

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History gives us some interesting accounts on how people resolved their conflict. There was a French novelist by the name of Alexander Dumas who once had a heated quarrel with a young politician. The argument became so heated that a duel was inevitable. Since both men were superb shots they decided to draw lots, the loser would agree to shoot himself. Dumas lost and with pistol in hand, he withdrew in silent dignity to another room, closing the door behind him. Everybody waited in suspense for the sound of the shot that would end his life. And finally, it rang out. His friends ran to the door, and opened it, and there was Dumas, with the smoking revolver in his hand. “Gentlemen, a most regrettable thing has happened,” he announced. “I missed.”

As Jesus continued to teach through His Sermon on the Mount, He came to the subject of anger. But anger isn’t just a surface issue. Like everything else in Jesus’ sermon, anger is a matter of the heart.

There is the Law and there is the Intent behind the Law.

There is Sin when we break the Law, but there is also Sin when we break the Intent behind the Law.

THINK ABOUT IT...

You shall not murder - But I tell you that anyone who is angry...

You shall not commit adultery - But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman with lust...

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?

Matthew 5:21-26 (NIV)

21“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’

22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,

24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.

26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.



Raca (v. 22)—This word comes from the Aramaic term rhaka [RAH kuh]. This insult refers to an idiot or empty-headed person, meaning someone mentally inept.

Fool (v. 22)—This word derives from the Greek term moros, and is primarily translated as “fool” or some variation or related form of that word.

Road rage. Going postal. Workplace hostility.

These are phrases that have fairly recently entered our language. While some people run from anger and conflict, others seem to embrace it, but conflict is inevitable. Whenever two or more people are in close proximity to one another a heightened possibility of conflict exists. From the crowded halls of junior high schools to the hallowed halls of the United Nations, from the floor of the Senate to the floor of the preschool, from the boardroom to the bedroom, from highway to the subway, conflict is a part of human existence. Nations fight over borders and boys fight over girls. Husbands and wives fight over money and brother and sisters fight over toys. As Rodney King, the man who was beaten by police that led to riots in Los Angles cried out twenty years ago, “Can we all get along?”

Well, Jesus talks with us about that this week and He says that if we are Christians, then we should take the lead in resolving conflict.

       

Matthew 5:21-22

Does verse 22 make you uncomfortable? Me too.

Jesus took a law the people knew well and expanded it to a different level. The original commandment was a prohibition against taking someone’s life (see Ex. 20:13). That’s easy enough to grasp. But Jesus wasn’t content to settle for the physical act of murder; the deeper issue is the anger we feel in our hearts.

Furthermore, Jesus helps us see that anger isn’t something that happens to us; it’s a choice we make. We might not be able to control the circumstances around us, but it’s ultimately our choice whether or not we respond to those circumstances with anger.

It’s not always wrong to be angry. At times Jesus Himself became righteously angry. For example, He became angry when the religious leaders failed to show compassion for a man with a withered hand (see Mark 3:1-5). Later, Jesus became so enraged at the mistreatment of people seeking to worship that He turned over the money changers’ tables and ran them out of His Father’s house (see John 2:13-16).

A certain kind of anger is good, right, and justified. We feel that righteous anger when we see injustice in the world. Whenever we feel righteous indignation because others are mistreated, we aren’t only justified in our anger; we are good and right in doing something constructive with that anger.


But that assumes that our hearts are aligned with God’s heart. Most of the time, though, that’s not the case. We get angry at the slow-moving traffic or the child who has to be told to clean up his toys for the thousandth time. This isn’t righteous anger.

Let me ask the really hard question: Why do we get angry?

If we push past the circumstances, we’ll discover the true reason we get angry is because we feel our rights have been violated. I should be treated better. I deserve more. The truth is, our anger stems from a deeply held sense of entitlement that, when crossed, makes us really, really mad.


In other words, our anger is a reflection of our commitment to ourselves.

                                                           

"There is nothing that can be

done with anger that cannot

be done better without it."

—DALLAS WILLARD

 

Matthew 5:23-24

“I’m sorry.” Those are painful words. They’re so painful, in fact, we often qualify them by adding one more little word that changes everything: “I’m sorry, but... .”


That’s not being sorry. That’s choosing the road of self-justification. We say this when we want the other person to know that, even though we lashed out in anger or did something wrong, we had a justified reason for our behavior. 



Anger often leads to conflict. Conflict often leads to relationships being strained to the breaking point—and beyond. It’s in those moments that we need to remember Jesus’ amazing statement from verse 24: reconciliation takes priority over worship. That’s serious.


Even more, we are to be proactive in resolving conflict. We should take the first step, even when we aren’t to blame for the conflict in the first place. How can we do that?



1. Honesty. Be willing to hear—and tell—the truth. Don’t be tempted to treat this like an airing of dirty laundry. The truth is useful for healing, but it’s not intended to be used as a hammer to beat the other person over the head.

2. Humility. In most conflicts, both sides have things they need to acknowledge and apologize for. In order to do so, you must have a humble heart. Humility will help you forgive with the same grace and mercy God forgave you.

3. Security. Security doesn’t mean arrogance. It means knowing you are a child of God. When you are secure and confident in your relationship with Jesus, you can apologize. How the person responds to your apology or attempt to reconcile cannot change your secure relationship in Christ. 

Matthew 5:25-26

Jesus commanded us not to put off reconciliation; instead, we are to settle and resolve differences quickly. We see at least two reasons why resolution demands this degree of urgency:

• Earlier is easier. The earlier individuals can face and discuss their differences, the easier it will be to reach a resolution. Problems between people don’t get better with time; they get worse.

• Unity is important. Resolution demands urgency because unity is vitally important among God’s people. Just before He was arrested, Jesus prayed for all His followers, past and present. One of the resounding themes in this high priestly prayer was unity (see John 17).

Think about that for a minute. Jesus was only hours away from His death, praying to His Father, and unity in the church was on His mind. Why might that be?


The unity of God’s people provides proof of the gospel. In the church, you find people of all different nationalities, races, backgrounds, and socioeconomic levels. All these people come together under the banner of Jesus Christ. No other organization can unite people who are so completely different.


When we let our differences fester and divide us, the rest of the world questions the effectiveness of the gospel. But the unity of the church points to the power of the gospel.

LIVE IT OUT

Anger is an issue of the heart. Consider the following suggestions as you work to bring your anger under the rule of Jesus in the days to come:

• Take control of your anger. You know what situations are likely to make you angry this week. Prepare your heart and mind to respond appropriately before you ever step into that situation.

• Say you’re sorry. Look for a chance to say “I’m sorry” this week without qualification. Humble yourself before Christ and others, and say those two words that can bring healing.
• Seek reconciliation. Examine your relationships, past and present. Is there someone you still need to seek to reconcile with? If so, don’t wait any longer. Seek to honor Christ through the process of reconciliation.

 Anger is a big deal in today’s world, which is why I pray you’ll let the words of Jesus sink in to your heart. Look deeper to find the real source of your anger, and then reset the fracture so that you can heal.

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Our Lesson on Sunday:

DISTINCT IN MY APPROACH TO CONFLICT

Jesus began His Sermon on the Mount - 8 attitude changes required of our heart and mind – we call them the Beatitudes. Last week Jesus said that if a person would embrace the Beatitudes, then they could be salt and light to the world. He concluded last week’s message with a transforming expectation - His followers were to be more righteous than the religious of the day – the Pharisees/scribes. For the rest of chapter 5, Jesus will give 6 examples of this true righteousness that He says surpasses the letter of the law – murder, offerings, adultery, divorce, oaths, and revenge. We are more than often guilty of avoiding the extreme sins while regularly committing the types of sins (sin behind the sin) with which Jesus was most concerned about.

 

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Today we will discuss the first of the six examples of righteousness and it’s the 6th commandment - not to murder.

• Jesus cites the traditional law and then He challenges us to look behind the law at the intent.
• Jesus wants us to consider the root cause for murder and all conflict – its anger, and that’s the trigger.
• Handling anger is an important life skill. Christian counselors report that 50 percent of people who come in for counseling have problems dealing with anger. Anger shatters communication, tears apart relationships, and ruins both the joy and health of so many people. People tend to justify their anger instead of accepting responsibility for it. Everyone struggles, to varying degrees, with anger. God’s Word contains principles regarding how to handle anger in a godly manner.

Jesus says that we can be different by: Taking the lead in resolving conflict.



Jesus says this requires three actions.



I. AVOID ANGER WHENEVER POSSIBLE - Matthew 5:21-22

21“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.


Jesus says the heart of conflict is anger. And it’s not just a surface issue, it’s a matter of the heart.


Does verse 22 make you uncomfortable? It did me...Jesus says that an angry spirit is subject to judgment just as is murder is.




Is Jesus saying that my anger is the same as murder?

• When God gave the sixth commandment, “You shall not murder,” He did not just want people to refrain from murdering one another. He wanted them to refrain from the anger that leads to murder. Murder is only the external manifestation of the internal problem. The scribes and Pharisees dealt only with the external act. Jesus showed that God's concern ran much deeper. In other words, refraining from homicide does not constitute a person righteous in God's sight.
• When Jesus said, “But I tell you,” He was not doing away with the law or acting His own beliefs. He was giving them a fuller understanding of why God made that law in the first place. Moses said, “You shall not murder” (Exodus 20:13). Jesus taught that we should not even become angry enough to murder, for then we have already committed murder in our heart.

What was the irony of Jesus’ statement with the Pharisees and their adherence to the law?

• The Pharisees read this law and not having literally murdered anyone, saw themselves as righteous. And yet they were angry enough with Jesus that they would soon plot His death.
• We miss the intent of God’s Word when we read His rules for living without trying to understand why He made them. Think about it - do we keep God’s rules but close our eyes to His intent?

How do we avoid anger when we can’t control the circumstances that make us angry?

• We can’t control the circumstances that make us angry, but we can control our response.
• Jesus says that anger isn’t something that happens to us; it’s a choice we make. We might not be able to control the circumstances around us, but it’s ultimately our choice whether or not we respond to those circumstances with anger.

Is it wrong to be angry?

• It’s not always wrong to be angry. At times Jesus Himself became righteously angry. For example, He became angry when the religious leaders failed to show compassion for a man with a withered hand (Mark 3:1-5). Later, Jesus became so enraged at the mistreatment of people seeking to worship that He turned over the money changers’ tables and ran them out of His Father’s house (John 2:13-16).
• A certain kind of anger is good, right, and justified. We feel that righteous anger when we see injustice in the world. Whenever we feel righteous indignation because others are mistreated, we aren’t only justified in our anger; we are good and right in doing something constructive with that anger. But that assumes that our hearts are aligned with God’s heart, and most of the time, that’s not the case. We get angry at the slow-moving traffic or the child who has to be told to clean up his toys for the thousandth time. This isn’t righteous anger.
• Anger is not always sin. There is a type of anger of which the Bible approves, often called “righteous indignation.” God is angry (Psalm 7:11; Mark 3:5), and believers are commanded to be angry (Ephesians 4:26). Two Greek words in the New Testament are translated as “anger.” One means “passion, energy” and the other means “agitated, boiling.” Biblically, anger is God-given energy intended to help us solve problems. Examples of biblical anger include David’s being upset over hearing Nathan the prophet sharing an injustice (2 Samuel 12) and Jesus’ anger over how some of the Jews had defiled worship at God’s temple in Jerusalem (John 2:13-18). Notice that neither of these examples of anger involved self-defense, but a defense of others or of a principle.

So, my anger is justified as long as it is in defense of others or of a principle?

• It is important to recognize that anger at an injustice inflicted against oneself is also appropriate. Anger has been said to be a warning flag—it alerts us to those times when others are attempting to or have violated our boundaries. God cares for each individual. We do not always stand up for one another, meaning that sometimes we must stand up for ourselves. This is especially important when considering the anger that victims often feel. Victims of abuse, violent crime, or the like have been violated in some way. Often while experiencing the trauma, they do not experience anger. Later, in working through the trauma, anger will emerge. For a victim to reach a place of true health and forgiveness, he or she must first accept the trauma for what it was. In order to fully accept that an act was unjust, one must sometimes experience anger. Because of the complexities of trauma recovery, this anger is often not short-lived, particularly for victims of abuse. Victims should process through their anger and come to a place of acceptance, even forgiveness. This is often a long journey. As God heals the victim, the victim's emotions, including anger, will follow. Allowing the process to occur does not mean the person is living in sin.
• We can know for sure that our anger is righteous when it is directed toward what angers God Himself. Righteous anger and indignation are justly expressed when we are confronted with sin. Good examples would be anger toward child abuse, pornography, racism, homosexual activity, abortion, and the like. The apostle Paul gives clear warning to those who anger God: “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19–21). Jesus expressed righteous anger over the sins of the people (Mark 3:1–5; Matthew 21:12–13; Luke 19:41–44). But His anger was directed at sinful behaviors and unmistakable injustice.
• We are also taught to be careful in our anger that we do not sin. “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26–27). We should check our attitude as well as our motive before becoming angry with others. Paul gives us some sound advice on the appropriate approach: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:19–21).
• James also gives us good instruction when it comes to righteous indignation: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20).

Let me ask the really hard question: Why do we get angry?

• We get angry because we feel our rights have been violated. I should be treated better. I deserve more. The truth is, our anger stems from a deeply held sense of entitlement that, when crossed, makes us really, really mad. In other words, our anger is a reflection of our commitment to ourselves.

Have you ever been proud that you didn’t strike out and say what was really on your mind?

• Self-control is good, but Christ wants us to practice thought-control as well. Jesus said that we will be held accountable even for our attitudes.

Jesus identified three areas when anger is wrong:

1. When anger is out of control. Anger causes our face to turn red, our heart to race, and our eyes to water. We want to hit something or someone. Or worse, if our anger is powerful enough it will lead to murder. Most murders are crimes of passion where the anger got out of control. Anger can become sinful when it is motivated by pride (James 1:20), when it is unproductive and thus distorts God’s purposes (1 Corinthians 10:31), or when anger is allowed to linger (Ephesians 4:26-27).



2. When our insults are offensive. Such as, calling people imbeciles or blockheads. One obvious sign that anger has turned to sin is when, instead of attacking the problem at hand, we attack the wrongdoer. Ephesians 4:15-19 says we are to speak the truth in love and use our words to build others up, not allow rotten or destructive words to pour from our lips. Unfortunately, this poisonous speech is a common characteristic of fallen man (Romans 3:13-14). Anger becomes sin when it is allowed to boil over without restraint, resulting in a scenario in which hurt is multiplied (Proverbs 29:11), leaving devastation in its wake. Often, the consequences of out-of-control anger are irreparable. Anger also becomes sin when the angry one refuses to be pacified, holds a grudge, or keeps it all inside (Ephesians 4:26-27). This can cause depression and irritability over little things, which are often unrelated to the underlying problem.



3. When our name-calling is derogatory. Such as, calling a person a fool, a term of derision when a person felt hatred toward another.


So, how are we to handle anger biblically?

• We can handle anger biblically by recognizing and admitting our prideful anger and/or our wrong handling of anger as sin (Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9). This confession should be both to God and to those who have been hurt by our anger. We should not minimize the sin by excusing it or blame-shifting.
• We can handle anger biblically by seeing God in the trial. This is especially important when people have done something to offend us. James 1:2-4, Romans 8:28-29, and Genesis 50:20 all point to the fact that God is sovereign over every circumstance and person that crosses our path. Nothing happens to us that He does not cause or allow. Though God does allow bad things to happen, He is always faithful to redeem them for the good of His people. God is a good God (Psalm 145:8, 9, 17). Reflecting on this truth until it moves from our heads to our hearts will alter how we react to those who hurt us.
• We can handle anger biblically by returning good for evil (Genesis 50:21; Romans 12:21). This is key to converting our anger into love. As our actions flow from our hearts, so also our hearts can be altered by our actions (Matthew 5:43-48). That is, we can change our feelings toward another by changing how we choose to act toward that person.
• At times we can handle anger preemptively by putting up stricter boundaries. We are told to be discerning (1 Corinthians 2:15-16; Matthew 10:16). We need not "cast our pearls before swine" (Matthew 7:6). Sometimes our anger leads us to recognize that certain people are unsafe for us. We can still forgive them, but we may choose not to re-enter the relationship.

When a relationship is disrupted by anger over some offense, Jesus says that:

II. RECONCILIATION IS TO BE SOUGHT - Matthew 5:23-24

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.



What does it mean when I say, “I’m sorry, but...?”

• That’s not being sorry. That’s choosing the road of self-justification. We say this when we want the other person to know that, even though we lashed out in anger or did something wrong, we had a justified reason for our behavior.

Why would Jesus say that reconciliation takes priority over worship?

• Anger often leads to conflict. Conflict often leads to relationships being strained to the breaking point—and beyond. It’s in those moments that we need to remember that to Jesus: reconciliation takes priority over worship. That’s how serious Jesus is that we take the lead.
• Jesus spoke of a worshiper presenting his offering at the altar in the temple. He was emphasizing that it is more important to remove hate from another brother’s heart than to engage in a formal act of worship. Worship was important to the scribes and Pharisees, and to all the Jews, but Jesus put internal purity first, even the internal purity of another person. So if you are offering a gift in worship—of money or of praise—and you remember somebody has ill will or hard feelings against you, go to that person and make it right, make amends, seek reconciliation. In Jesus’ eyes, reconciliation is more important than worship, in that it must come first.
• Broken relationships can hinder our relationship with God. If we have a problem or grievance with a friend, we should resolve the problem as soon as possible. We are hypocrites if we claim to love God while we hate others. Our attitudes toward others reflect our relationship with God (1 John 4:20).

Jesus wants us to be proactive in resolving conflict. We should take the first step, even when we aren’t to blame for the conflict.



Jesus says that reconciliation requires 3 things:


1. Honesty. Be willing to hear—and tell—the truth. Don’t be tempted to treat this like an airing of dirty laundry. The truth is useful for healing, but it’s not intended to be used as a hammer to beat the other person over the head.



2. Humility. In most conflicts, both sides have things they need to acknowledge and apologize for. In order to do so, you must have a humble heart. Humility will help you forgive with the same grace and mercy God forgave you.



3. Security. Security doesn’t mean arrogance. It means knowing you are a child of God. When you are secure and confident in your relationship with Jesus, you can apologize. How the person responds to your apology or attempt to reconcile cannot change your secure relationship in Christ.



Which of these do you find challenging?


We cannot compel a person to be reconciled to us. However, when we make a sincere effort, we stand at peace before the Lord. The person who refuses to reconcile stands at odds with the Lord and subject to His judgment. That having been done, the worshipper is invited to come and offer thy gift. Access to God is now open and true worship can be offered.




III. FIND A RESOLUTION QUICKLY - Matthew 5:25-26

25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.


Some interpreters see this verse as a 2nd illustration of Jesus’ emphasis on reconciliation. Others give it a slightly different twist. While the first illustration dealt with being reconciled to a fellow Christian, this illustration emphasizes the importance of being quick to reconcile before the matter gets out of hand.


Jesus says not to put off reconciliation; instead, we are to settle and resolve differences quickly.



What are the consequences of allowing a conflict to fester?

• When we let our differences fester and divide us, the rest of the world questions the effectiveness of the gospel.

What 2 reasons did Jesus give for an urgent resolution to conflict:

• Earlier is easier. The earlier individuals can face and discuss their differences, the easier it will be to reach a resolution. Problems between people don’t get better with time; they get worse.
• Unity is important. Resolution demands urgency because unity is vitally important among God’s people. Just before He was arrested, Jesus prayed for all His followers, past and present. One of the resounding themes in this high priestly prayer was unity (see John 17). Think about that for a minute. Jesus was only hours away from His death, praying to His Father, and unity in the church was on His mind. Why might that be? The unity of God’s people provides proof of the gospel. In the church, you find people of all different nationalities, races, backgrounds, and socioeconomic levels. All these people come together under the banner of Jesus Christ. No other organization can unite people who are so completely different.

It is practical advice to resolve our differences with our enemies before their anger causes more trouble (Proverbs 25:8-10). You may not get into a disagreement that takes you to court, but even small conflicts mend more easily if you try to make peace right away. In a broader sense, these verses advise us to get things right with our brothers and sisters before we have to stand before God.



Examine your relationships, past and present. Is there someone you still need to seek to reconcile with? If so, don’t wait any longer. Seek to honor Christ through the process of reconciliation.



Conclusion

Even as rampant as murder is in our cities and towns today, most people can’t imagine that they would intentionally set out to take another person’s life. Furthermore, we are frightened by the penalties involved with this great sin. So, we manage to keep these emotions under control.


But how about harsh and harmful words that we may speak towards another person?

Specifically, I’m talking about words spoken out of anger, intent on belittling a person’s worth, inflicting pain, and exacting revenge. In these cases, we are not always as under control.


Jesus supported the commandment against murder, but He also spoke against a murderous spirit.

Hope to see you on Sunday!


In His Love,


David & Susan